A Little Lifting

   Being a mom and wife has it's struggles (we all know that) but one I totally underestimated would be the spiritual side. I actually don't think I even thought about it before Owen was born. I guess I thought I would be doing the same stuff; going to church, saying my prayers, reading scriptures.. Well, turns out, that's a lot harder than I ever thought it would. Doing that is great, but it isn't enough.

I had a pretty amazing testimony-building experience this last week. There are a couple reasons I am sharing, these are the two things I learned from it. Who knows? Maybe you will to.

{1} Yet another example to me of how well Heavenly Father knows us, each, individually.
{2} To never doubt Him.

  Chris and I have been sorta kinda trying for another baby. Ahhh!! Coming from the girl who swore she'd "NEVER DO THIS AGAIN" ,this is a monumental moment. (I almost said, this may be TMI but you all already know that this is on the lower end of too much information scale). Around November, I started thinking about it. I kept feeling this pressure to get pregnant, so I went to the temple. As I was waiting for an answer in the Celestial Room, it came. "Maybe?". That was the feeling I got. An "I guess", "Sure?". It was not what I wanted to hear. I left feeling completely confused. But I am a very determined cuss (at least that's what my mom calls me) :) and I decided we were going to try. Chris was okay with it don't worry.. he is only a minor part in the baby making process (I'm being sarcastic).

November-no baby
December-no baby
January-no baby
February came around and still no baby.

I know this is going to come off like I'm the most spoiled brat because I am, so just try not to judge to harshly- when we found out we weren't pregnant in December (and every month following) I was upset. I kept thinking "This doesn't happen to me". With Owen we got pregnant on the first try. Four months later and nothing. I was upset. At God. "Why is he doing this? I am ready. I can handle it".  

March came around and my knee got all swollen and nasty again. Like the first time (in Nov) when they drained the infected fluid from it.

It got to the point where I was limping around the house. (I promise this is part of the story). I called and made an appointment. They could get me in the next day (a rare occasion). That morning I took a pregnancy test because I just can't wait.. negative..again.

We went in to the doctors office the next day, he looked at it and said "Let's do surgery". He left the room to grab his calender. I just looked at Chris and teared up. I told him I had taken a pregnancy test just the day before and it was negative. It hit me then that  Heavenly Father really does know what he's doing. You may read this and think that'a coincidence, but I will never see it that way. I know that he knew exactly what was going to happen. That I couldn't have a surgery if I was pregnant.

He came back in and said "I know this sounds crazy, but we an opening tomorrow if you want to take it".

Now, this same doctor did one of my shoulder surgeries and it took months to get in let alone do a surgery. This was more than a crazy coincidence.

So the next day we had the surgery and everything went great. See for yourself: This was the day after so the bruising isn't there. I think iodine could be a good body tanning lotion.

Waking up from anesthesia is incredibly difficult so when my doctor came in and was trying to tell me what happened, I couldn't understand him. He said my meniscus was in good condition and had never torn.  He told me to make a follow up appointment and he would tell me the "bad news" then.

The appointment was on Monday. It was bad news. I had Chris go with me for moral support, thanks heavens he was there. We got right in and he said "You have an extremely bizarre knee for your age". Dr. Kimball is one of (could be thee) BYU Football Orthopedic Surgeon so I'm sure he's seen so many "bizarre" things but the fact that he said it made me worry. He said I have the knee of a eighty year old woman.. which is kind of funny because Chris' grandma just had her poor knee replaced, she's almost eighty-two. That it isn't going to last much longer. That by the time I'm thirty I will need a new one and we are trying to get as many good years out of this one that we can. That means whenever it starts to swell up and hurt, I come in, get the fluid drawn, inject cortisone shots and go on my merry way.

I just got quiet. Now don't get me wrong, he didn't tell me I have cancer so I know I shouldn't feel sick about it, but to a twenty-one year old mom, this is heartbreaking news.

He said I need to lose weight. Luckily I had enough confidence this week to ignore how hurtful that was. I know he wasn't trying to be mean but he kept saying you need to get skinny. "Get skinny?" I'm sorry but have you seen my dad? My husband? Skinny will never run in this family. So I told him I will get fit; in shape.

But with that comes no running (that's a plus, now I have a doctors note), no Zumba (I just bought a $70 kit), no jumping, jogging, strength training, weights, lunges, squats, no high impact sports. He said I can bike and swim for now.

It's been a couple days and I am still having a hard time dealing with it. I had this huge plan to get in shape, lose this baby weight and make more meaning to my life while having more energy and being happier. I had just bought a bunch of new workout clothes, DVD's, and healthy food. Now I know this doesn't mean I still can't get fit and lose this weight but it's more of a challenge. I don't need that. Getting motivated enough was the challenge. I am trying my hardest to look at the problem as motivation but it makes me just want to quit. I won't..I just have to think about it for a couple of days.

I want at least one more kid. And if that means losing weight so I can have a healthy knee while pregnant, I will do it. This is just one huge example to me of how well our Heavenly Father knows and deeply cares for us. I was going to say "I can't believe I doubted Him" but I can. I was angry with him for not being able to get pregnant and here we are, after a surgery, which I wouldn't have been able to do had I been pregnant, knowing there is a major problem with my knee and it needs to be fixed. I guess he does know what he's doing. :)

This has been a great lesson for me. I hope to never doubt again but instead have faith that there are reasons for pain and tears. There is a huge, beautiful plan for us, that we don't understand at all, but we need faith to endure it. This life is crazy but I am so glad I have this knowledge. I know that with prayer and temples it is made easier. With husbands and family support it is easier. I know that I am here right now for a reason. My heart is so full of love for my Savior right now. I will always remember this experience and the lessons it taught me.

#4 Real Stories from Real Mommas { Vulgar times}

I am sharing the story today because I have a great one and it just needs to be up here.

Today Owen and I went to Home Depot. We were looking for dowels for this project. The only way I could get him to hold my hand was by bribing him- saying he could hold a big stick. He is a male, so naturally, it's just worked. Owen can't quite enunciate the "st" sound. Instead, it comes out more like the "d" sound.

While wandering through the isles, O saw a guy holding a long piece of molding. He started yelling

"BIG @!$%" 
"BIG !$@#"

This guy looked appalled at first and then started laughing his head off. I calmly said "He's saying "stick" and walked away. So now, everyone within hearing distance heard my little two year old yelling vulgar words. I laughed so hard and we have been working on the "st" sound. 

Good times. 

Paraguay {Favorite Day 3/22/14}

With a surprise knee surgery on Thursday, I have been a little behind, but I feel like I may be able to catch up. Chris took Thursday and Friday off to help with Owen and that has been the greatest blessing.

I am finally doing my first Favorite Day post- So here it is!

On Friday of last week my brothers mission call came in. We had so many friends come over and give their guesses. We had dear friends (our second parents) on Skype awaiting the announcement. As soon as he read-

"Elder Jeffrey Petersen..you have been called to serve in the Paraguay, Asuncion mission".

I started bawling, mom and dad were crying, there was not a dry eye in the room. I felt so proud and I know my parents did too. This is the first missionary to go out of our family so it's a pretty big deal. Neither of my grandpas nor my dad served a mission.

It was such a great day, full of love and joy. We are so proud of you Jeff.

Mom, Colton (Jeff's 1st best-friend), Jill, Alan , and Cooper

 Jeff's sisters- Kelly, Susan, CeLin and Grace

His reaction after reading "Paraguay"

 The 2nd best-friend Bailey

Jan-Mar 2014 Recap

I finally charged my camera and found a bucket load of memories- from a couple months ago til now. I figured I should document them, so here they are.

We played in flour because we don't have a sand box..

I started an herb garden- because I like salsa and caprese 

Cilantro

 Grass elephant- just to see if anything would grow.. and it did!!

 Caprese Pizza

 We played with Jeff's swim cap- hahahaha (he threw a tantrum when we took it off)

 Ate some hot cheetos and loved every second

 "cheeeessssssssssseeee" I know it's super blurry but it's still great!

 My youngest sister Bec turned 15! So we threw her a little party (after we got home from listening to Sister Dalton speak- around ten). 

 And we forgot candles- so 8+8-1= 15 (that's also about as good as my math gets) I'm so dang creative.

 It's been a great first of the year and to add to it, Owen started sleeping through the night. Twenty months old and is just now going to bed around 9:30pm and sleeping in til nine. It's been a miracle. 

19/30 Where to live?

Alight- I'm finally back to the 30 Things Series

19/30- If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

This is a tough one- Because we are currently living in my parents basement, anywhere sounds great. No offense to my parents and family. It just sounds good to be on our own, anywhere. You understand right?

Las Vegas- I love the heat and I am familiar with it. That would be a great place to live. I loved living there when I was a kid.

Hawaii- What? I know. You're all saying "You said you hated it". haha "You never wanted to go back".
Well, here's what I have to say- The only reason I would move back is because of the people and culture. I loved the people. I have never lived in a place as welcoming, selfless, and loving as Laie. We were often given whatever we needed out of love. There was no judging of any kind. I loved that. I could (and did most days) wear Chris' over sized T-shirt, his basketball shorts, a messy bun on the top of my head and no make up and I was still invited places. haha

Moving back to the mainland was hard. Obviously there are great people everywhere but Laie was a happy and loving place. Part of it, was that we were all extremely poor college students.
Our Thanksgiving dinner

 View from Diamonhead

Speak Up- Thoughts from a sexual abuse survivor

I have received numerous amounts of messages of love and support from friends, and people I don't even know, since posting my story of being molested. The more I hear about your stories and your lives the more I feel the need to talk more about it. This topic is usually on my mind but I have been thinking about it sincerely for weeks, and there are so many things I want to address. So many feelings. This is meant to be an encouraging post so I hope you feel it comes off that way.

Wow, Where to start?

 Oh! I know- I just want to start by talking about the "victims". Like I said before, I don't like this word. I also don't like people that choose (yes, choose) to be the victim. Every victim of sexual, emotional or physical abuse has a choice to make- to be a victim or to be survivor.

 And these two words will change your life. Change the way you view yourself, your children, others and the world. Everything.

To be a victim:
1. a person who suffers  from a destructive or injurious (hurtful/damaging) action or agency
2. a person who is deceived or cheated as by his or her own emotions or ignorance

I love that in the world wide dictionary it says "agency" and "by his or her own emotions". This is what I got from that, Choosing to be a victim because of hurt feelings. Now listen, I am not downplaying being sexually abused, I hope you know that. It is an excruciatingly painful business, but the point I'm trying to make is, it doesn't have to be.

Now, to be a survivor:
1.a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of (in disregard of) opposition, hardships or setbacks.

To me the answer is simple.. now. I only wish I'd understood sooner.

  I feel such a power now. I feel so free. So liberated. Happy. (This guy makes me pretty happy)

I have so many thoughts and I tend to get very "passionate" (the word Chris likes to use) about this subject. So bear with me (I even looked up the word bear- it sounded weird to use like that but it means to "support", so I left it.)

It may sound heated or like I'm getting pumped up for a game but to me that's really what it's like- getting ready, educating yourself and your children, saying "no", defending yourself. I know that this stems from being molested and looking back at the completely helpless and defenseless little five year old. It use to make me angry and now I just feel empowered and motivated to educate and speak up for myself and others.


No one wants to though- I shouldn't say no one, but it sure feels like it, wants to speak up about these things. Because it's "not cool", embarrassing, shameful, sad, humiliating..

Guess what?! 

It's life and yes, it's sad and unpleasant. But it's like trying to ignore a neon pink elephant in a room.

We can't. We shouldn't.

 Why though, why is it painful to talk about? I have an idea from my point of view.

After this happened, I felt like the only "freak" who had experienced something like this because no one talked about it. I was the only "broken" or "damaged" girl. The only one. Heaven know that's not even close to true but I felt like it. Had I met another women (survivors) who were willing to talk with me, things may be different, they may be the same. Who knows?
I do know that I would have felt more normal, more comforted, not completely shattered.

This, right here, talking about it is giving me (and other survivors) power. The less we talk about it the more they get away with it, the more power they have. I am not going to freely give it anymore. For a long time I did, I played the victim card. After a while it gets old. And I promise you, this side is so much better. I guarantee you he didn't think I'd be the one talking about it now. He knew he could get away with it then, but look where I am now. He isn't getting away with it anymore.

Since I realized what happened to me didn't define me, I have been determined to be the one to talk about it, as painful and ugly as it is, to help others deal with the aftermath.

To be a survivor, not a victim.

And as I've mentioned before, it took me a long time to "forgive and forget", so to speak. Going through this trail I have become so passionate about educating and helping others. I often wish I could be a motivational speaker, a therapist or a counselor so I can share my knowledge and passion with other women. That has been a dream of mine for a couple years now. Since I am in my birthing and raising children years, this probably isn't the right time to pursue this dream, but please believe I will not give up on it.

I want to share the peace and happiness I have found through overcoming this.. I want to scream it from the rooftops! There is no need to feel ashamed, ugly, embarrassed, humiliated, hurt. There simply, is no need. I don't feel ugly, I don't feel sad, I don't feel defiled, I don't feel unwanted.

 Even though I felt that way, on and off, for a good fifteen years, my only wish is to help women cope faster than I have. Being a "victim" of sexual abuse makes you feel ashamed, ugly, embarrassed, disgusting, not wanted and broken. Here's the thing.. you aren't. You did nothing wrong.

{I was able to hear Sister Dalton speak to our stake this last week and I had a really cool experience with her.}
She was speaking about our individual worth, and motherhood. It was very encouraging and uplifting. I was so grateful to be there. I had most of this post written before I went and I kept thinking, "That would be so cool if she talked about being sexually abused". I still went, knowing that wasn't the topic.
About half way through, she paused, and said

            "If you have had your virtue taken from you, there is no need to repent. You did nothing wrong. You are still a daughter of God and He loves you."

Then finished the rest of her talk about individual worth. It was crazy. I felt the confusion in the room when she said that, but it hit home for me. After she was finished speaking, a whole line of women lined up to talk to her. She was so kind to take her time, listen and give advice to these women who desperately needed it.

My dad was assigned the "security" for her and had to walk to her car after it was over. I wanted to talk to her but I didn't want to wait in line, nor tell her a sad story. The Stake Presidency and some of Sister Dalton's friends walked out to her car and that was my opportunity. My friend (who got Sis. Dalton to speak) introduced me to her and I told her little about me and what happened when I was little. I told her it wasn't a sad story, but more of a victorious one. She smiled and asked me more about it. I told her I started a blog and I talk a lot about my journey and I am trying to help women heal.
She seemed so pleased. I told her that I was shocked at what she said about being sexually abused and she said,

"Sarah, I have never been more prompted and inspired to say anything before, like that. I kept putting it off, and questioning myself. I thought even that these women don't need to hear this and I heard a distinct "Yes, they do". So I said it. I felt better after I did and it turns out, more women talked to me about that than anything else".

What?! How awesome is that? She told me to keep doing what I'm doing and it will get to the women that need it. Such a huge compliment for me. She was so encouraging. I just love that inspired woman.

Somehow being raped or molested leaves you feeling dirty, used and defiled. That's why most predators get away with what they do. We are too afraid to speak up because we feel guilty and embarrassed.

Overcoming something as terrifying and lamenting as being sexually abused takes time.
It takes a lot of time. It takes support. It takes love.  I love this quote-

       "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

So if you need support, I am here to lend you my advice. If you need to cry I will lend you a shoulder. If you need help, please seek it. Bishops and therapists are so loving and kind. Being on the other side of hurt and sorrow is love and joy. It's worth talking about. It will change your life.

With love,
Sarah