It's officially been an entire year since I last held my chunky baby. Some days are doable and some are as if we lost her yesterday. The mysterious thing about grief is comes in waves. Sometimes just small tidal waves brushing the shore full of heartache and sometimes 40 foot waves of rage, anger and depression. You never know which is coming and when. Sometimes it comes from a small argument with a sister and quickly spirals into grief.. arguments are rarely ever about what it started as. I had a break down the other day, I can't even remember what sparked it but it was harsh. It was brutal. I've come to realize that I will grieve as long as I live. That as long as I miss her and as long as I love her I will grieve.
We want her so badly and my mind can't seem to stop from thinking that. I know I can't have her here, but that's all I think about. When I look at my friends babies, at dinner, at the movies, I want her there with us. She would be the same age as three of my friends babies. I watch them grow and my heart aches that she isn't growing with them. I'm sure she has a million friends up there but I wanted her to meet her friends here. Often when I'm alone with my friends babies (they don't know this.. well now you do) I ask them is they remember her. If they high-fived on the way down. If Charlotte asked them to look out for me and for her brother and daddy. I ask these little one year olds how she is doing. Sometimes I think there is an unspoken language between us telling me she alright and that she so badly misses me too, that she aches for us.
We are missing someone, someone so vitally important. We are missing her giggle, her first steps, smothering her with kisses. Anytime I am around anyone, especially family I feel like we're not all there (in more ways than one). . All of the feelings, memories and heartbreak has come flooding back.
Sweet, sweet Charlotte May we miss you. We long for you. There is still the most deep, gaping hole in my soul. I still cry daily. If I could hold you one more time and kiss your cheeks. Oh what I wouldn't give to smell you. The scent of Heaven in your blanket is fading and that crushes my heart. I''m terrified I'll forget what you smelled like. I don't want to forget that. I want to remember everything. You have turned my life in a different direction. I'm not sure what I learned, other than compassion. You are sorely missed and deeply loved. Happy 1st Birthday baby girl!
