I had a pretty amazing testimony-building experience this last week. There are a couple reasons I am sharing, these are the two things I learned from it. Who knows? Maybe you will to.
{1} Yet another example to me of how well Heavenly Father knows us, each, individually.
{2} To never doubt Him.
Chris and I have been sorta kinda trying for another baby. Ahhh!! Coming from the girl who swore she'd "NEVER DO THIS AGAIN" ,this is a monumental moment. (I almost said, this may be TMI but you all already know that this is on the lower end of too much information scale). Around November, I started thinking about it. I kept feeling this pressure to get pregnant, so I went to the temple. As I was waiting for an answer in the Celestial Room, it came. "Maybe?". That was the feeling I got. An "I guess", "Sure?". It was not what I wanted to hear. I left feeling completely confused. But I am a very determined cuss (at least that's what my mom calls me) :) and I decided we were going to try. Chris was okay with it don't worry.. he is only a minor part in the baby making process (I'm being sarcastic).
November-no baby
December-no baby
January-no baby
February came around and still no baby.
I know this is going to come off like I'm the most spoiled brat because I am, so just try not to judge to harshly- when we found out we weren't pregnant in December (and every month following) I was upset. I kept thinking "This doesn't happen to me". With Owen we got pregnant on the first try. Four months later and nothing. I was upset. At God. "Why is he doing this? I am ready. I can handle it".
March came around and my knee got all swollen and nasty again. Like the first time (in Nov) when they drained the infected fluid from it.
It got to the point where I was limping around the house. (I promise this is part of the story). I called and made an appointment. They could get me in the next day (a rare occasion). That morning I took a pregnancy test because I just can't wait.. negative..again.
We went in to the doctors office the next day, he looked at it and said "Let's do surgery". He left the room to grab his calender. I just looked at Chris and teared up. I told him I had taken a pregnancy test just the day before and it was negative. It hit me then that Heavenly Father really does know what he's doing. You may read this and think that'a coincidence, but I will never see it that way. I know that he knew exactly what was going to happen. That I couldn't have a surgery if I was pregnant.
He came back in and said "I know this sounds crazy, but we an opening tomorrow if you want to take it".
Now, this same doctor did one of my shoulder surgeries and it took months to get in let alone do a surgery. This was more than a crazy coincidence.
So the next day we had the surgery and everything went great. See for yourself: This was the day after so the bruising isn't there. I think iodine could be a good body tanning lotion.
Waking up from anesthesia is incredibly difficult so when my doctor came in and was trying to tell me what happened, I couldn't understand him. He said my meniscus was in good condition and had never torn. He told me to make a follow up appointment and he would tell me the "bad news" then.
The appointment was on Monday. It was bad news. I had Chris go with me for moral support, thanks heavens he was there. We got right in and he said "You have an extremely bizarre knee for your age". Dr. Kimball is one of (could be thee) BYU Football Orthopedic Surgeon so I'm sure he's seen so many "bizarre" things but the fact that he said it made me worry. He said I have the knee of a eighty year old woman.. which is kind of funny because Chris' grandma just had her poor knee replaced, she's almost eighty-two. That it isn't going to last much longer. That by the time I'm thirty I will need a new one and we are trying to get as many good years out of this one that we can. That means whenever it starts to swell up and hurt, I come in, get the fluid drawn, inject cortisone shots and go on my merry way.
I just got quiet. Now don't get me wrong, he didn't tell me I have cancer so I know I shouldn't feel sick about it, but to a twenty-one year old mom, this is heartbreaking news.
He said I need to lose weight. Luckily I had enough confidence this week to ignore how hurtful that was. I know he wasn't trying to be mean but he kept saying you need to get skinny. "Get skinny?" I'm sorry but have you seen my dad? My husband? Skinny will never run in this family. So I told him I will get fit; in shape.
But with that comes no running (that's a plus, now I have a doctors note), no Zumba (I just bought a $70 kit), no jumping, jogging, strength training, weights, lunges, squats, no high impact sports. He said I can bike and swim for now.
It's been a couple days and I am still having a hard time dealing with it. I had this huge plan to get in shape, lose this baby weight and make more meaning to my life while having more energy and being happier. I had just bought a bunch of new workout clothes, DVD's, and healthy food. Now I know this doesn't mean I still can't get fit and lose this weight but it's more of a challenge. I don't need that. Getting motivated enough was the challenge. I am trying my hardest to look at the problem as motivation but it makes me just want to quit. I won't..I just have to think about it for a couple of days.
I want at least one more kid. And if that means losing weight so I can have a healthy knee while pregnant, I will do it. This is just one huge example to me of how well our Heavenly Father knows and deeply cares for us. I was going to say "I can't believe I doubted Him" but I can. I was angry with him for not being able to get pregnant and here we are, after a surgery, which I wouldn't have been able to do had I been pregnant, knowing there is a major problem with my knee and it needs to be fixed. I guess he does know what he's doing. :)
This has been a great lesson for me. I hope to never doubt again but instead have faith that there are reasons for pain and tears. There is a huge, beautiful plan for us, that we don't understand at all, but we need faith to endure it. This life is crazy but I am so glad I have this knowledge. I know that with prayer and temples it is made easier. With husbands and family support it is easier. I know that I am here right now for a reason. My heart is so full of love for my Savior right now. I will always remember this experience and the lessons it taught me.
Sarah, I really like this post. I'm proud of you for making the connection between what and when you want things in your life to happen verses Heavenly Father's timeline and how they often differ so wildly that if we aren't looking with spiritual eyes we often miss the blessings being kindly bestowed and mistake them for being ignored, forgotten, or even punished by our creator. Way to look with your spiritual eyes. I feel bad for people having surgery--especially KNEES, so my heart goes out to you and lots of prayers for a smooth recovery. Be kind to yourself while you recover, it's hard not to get frustrated about a physical setback like this--recovering from surgery naturally makes people grouchy and impatient, which gets in the way of your desire to be that awesome wife and mom you usually are. Give yourself time and remember that these kinds of experiences help us develop a compassion towards others hardships that we often won't feel unless we have these dang HARD experiences ourselves. Then look for meaningful ways to be kind to others who are being challenged in some way. LOVE THIS POST. YOU ROCK!
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