The Sarah Journal: Two, Four + Six years

Today is kinda a big day. Everything is hitting today. Our sweet Conor would have been two years old a week ago, Owen turned four and in a couple weeks Chris and I have been married for six years. That's a lot of anniversaries. Some great to remember and celebrate and some not. Everybody has those.

Our little buddy Conor would be TWO! See that muffin top down there? That's Conor not Cafe Rio, well maybe a little of both. Conor leaves some strange memories. Although we lost him, his soul, his body, I don't miss him. It that terrible or what?

After his early surprise delivery I was shocked, there's no doubt about that, but I almost immediately felt like he was a big, grown, man taking care of me. Owen didn't realize what was happening, well none of us did. He didn't ask about him everyday, he was just too young to understand. It just didn't seem like the end of the world. Everyone can handle a certain amount of pain and heartbreak right? Compared to Charlotte, the life and death of Conor seems so minuscule.

We celebrate his birthday and we miss him because of the possibilities we could have had but not because of him. I'm trying to explain without sounding callous. When we went in to deliver him, I didn't know whether it was a boy or girl. I wasn't attached at all. We didn't have a name picked out, we hadn't bought any clothes or gotten our baby gear out yet. We were just grateful (and scared) to be pregnant, excited for a sibling for Owen and looking forward to having a newborn in our home.

Conor Scott is named after his grandpa. I wish we could have been given the chance to use his name more often than we do. But now, more than ever, I am reminded and grateful for the sealing power of the temple. I can be with him again. We can be together again.

When we tuck Owen into bed at night, we talk about the reunion we will have as a family up in Heaven. We talk about how beautiful it will be to run to each other and embrace one another. And how when we look back at this life, it will seem like it was such a short time apart. We will shed just as many if not more tears but instead they will be of pure joy and happiness, not heartache. We will have feel more love than we can imagine. I want God to say to me "See, it was worth it" and I believe Him.

Owen usually says something like

"Then I can see my brother and my sister! That will be so fun". We miss you Conor and can't wait to see you. Happy Birthday!

Now that I'm done sobbing.. just kidding, I'm still going. I just have to add, I haven't cried over Charlotte in a few weeks. It's been nice. Just writing about our reunion brought so many memories back. Man I miss her. I'm forgetting what she smelled like and that is breaking my heart. I got her box out yesterday so I could remember. I just sat and smelled it and cried. I don't think about her every single day anymore and as soon as I realized that I cried. I long to have her. To hold her. I wish we didn't have to talk about her in Heaven, I wish we could talk about her laying on our bed or swinging in her baby swing or in her crib. She would be so much fun right now. Just over a year is so fun. Beginning to walk, smiling and laughing. So today, right now I am crying. I am remembering and it's hurting.
It probably doesn't help that I just got released from my calling in young women's either. The ward boundaries changed and I am now in a new ward. Again, my daughters, my girls are gone. It's gonna be an emotional week.

Owen turned four and I only wish I could explain how much happiness that brings me. He will be in KINDERGARTEN next year! Where did the time go? How is this possible?? All of those long, lonely nights I cried to myself and wished that he were older, are here and it feels like too soon. You always want what you can't have right? "Just grow up already" "Can you stay little forever?".

Our sweet Owen is the best. He's pretty dang smart and ready for school. He will start pre-school in September and I am probably just as nervous and excited as he is. Once they start, they don't stop. I'm so excited for him but I also want to cry.

-He loves Star Wars (even though he has only seen half of one movie), Transformers, The Avengers, basically anything with heroes and villain. He also loves the book of Mormon.. seriously. We've started reading the kid version and he loves it. I think it's funny because I think I threw a tantrum whenever we had to read it when I was little but he asks.

-He can occasionally say his "L's" but if not everything is "I wuv you" or "Wook mom." And he has a hard time with his "M's" too. "Can we do wovie night mom?" (movie)

-His favorite color is green and he has been on a PB + J kick lately. He loves any kind of pizza and fruit. And he LOVES ice cream. That might've happened because of the amount of ice cream I consumed while pregnant with him.

-He says he loves babies buuuuuttttt he really doesn't. Anytime he hears a baby cry (or make any noise) he says "Ugh they're so loud and annoying." Like he said last night to our friends baby.. awkward.

- He gets along so well with other kids. I've been surprised. I was worried about the only child syndrome. There are only a few kids he has a hard time with (but that's cause their sensitive).

-He has a ugly brown tooth because he feel teeth first into a five gallon bucket and killed it. We call it his pirate tooth and he thinks it's cool. I can't wait til it falls out.

Some of our favorite quotes from this last year..

- "Or we could get a house with a lot of chips, a lot of strawberries, a lot of sandwiches and a lot of bread. Ya, that's the house we should get. When we have like a hundred nineteen dollars."

-Eating Graham Canyon ice cream, Chris asks him how it tastes "Yummy, like peaches and pears."
(it taste like graham crackers)

- After he crapped his pants "I was playing and suddenly in like three seconds it just came out."

-"Mom I saw a fire bird!" He was sleeping on a road trip and either said it in his sleep or woke up but we still don't know what he saw.

-After peeing outside so all the neighbors and cars driving by could see, he said to me "A guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do."

-"Yeah if it hurts your eyes, then it will hurt your tummy too and you will have to poop and have diarrhea." (Talking about looking at the sun)

This kid is my life. I'm gonna be that crazy mom cheering for him at every sports game and cub scout ceremony. "That's my baby!!". haha For reals though. We all know it.

And lastly our six year anniversary! This guy.. makes up the other side of my world. He is my rock. He keeps me sane and happy. A couple things I've learned in the last six years are..

-I've learned that the silent treatment doesn't do anything.. Chris could stay silent for years.

-Humans are meant to be married and meant to be together. We need people. We all do. Being married to a best friend and being with them through the best and through the worst is.. life.