6/30 Hardest

6- What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

This is hard.. I have definitely had my share of hard things in this life, just like everyone. But the hardest is..

Motherhood.

To be completely honest, the hardest thing I have ever experienced, so far, is being a mother. It's by far thee hardest thing I have ever only begun to experience. And you truly don't understand until you become one. I thought I had an idea of how challenging and incredible motherhood is, but nope. It is far more than what I thought.

Again with the honesty, I never wanted kids. Because I knew nothing about the whole birthing process, it freaked me out; actually, knowing about still gives me the chills. I didn't want to have to deal with being pregnant, the labor and delivery, the sleepless nights, the nursing, the diapers and on and on it went. Ignorance is bliss right? I just wanted to adopt a couple foreign kids and give them a great life. Well, God had different plans for us. We found out we were pregnant and I was excited. My pregnancy was soo easy. No sickness, no heartburn, just the usual aches and pains that comes with it. Then my delivery was even easier. Two weeks early and a grand total of eight hours from start to finish he was here. But I don't think I had ever been more terrified in my life. I wanted to put him back and let him cook a little longer.

I'm not one of those moms who just falls in love at first sight, kudos to those who can. Not me. (Don't worry, I love Owen now more than anything in the world). He was screaming, alien-like body was all bloody and gross.. Not what they show you in the movies when they pull out a chunky five month old after the mom gives birth. I should have known. Then the fun/reality begins..

Part of being a mother and having a baby, for some, is the post-partum depression that comes after giving birth. I happened to get this pretty horribly and for about eight months. This is what makes motherhood the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I remember living in Rexburg (yuck) with a three month old and just crying whenever he cried. Depression isn't just something you can snap out of. It's not a mood or a feeling. It's a real serious problem and I now understand it.
Owen never slept. I think I've gone over this, but I mean literally NEVER slept. I know that is what made the depression worse. There were times when Chris would have to remind me what movies I liked and what my hobbies were. I didn't sleep, eat or laugh. I was just there, with a new fussy and loud baby. I have never felt so low. I had never felt so alone and sad. It was hard to get up and get dressed (most days I didn't, just my paint smeared yoga pants and a high school softball shirt) I didn't do my hair or make up. I ate like crap and always felt horrible about myself and body.

I never went as far as wanting to hurt myself or Owen. There were days I wanted to leave him in the crib with a note on the counter for Chris telling him I ran away.. actually many days. I had the hardest time loving Owen because it "was his fault for my craziness" "I wasn't like this before he came around".. Depression is not fun. BUT after I talked to a friend who had been there, I got help. She told me to try therapy. So I did. I went to therapy for about four maybe five months through LDS services. Like I said, I'm an open book. Telling the world I went to therapy isn't embarrassing for me. It's honest, it's real and it's needed. Just talking and sharing my thoughts and feelings lifted so many burdens. My therapist had actual suffered from the same thing.. twice! It helped to know someone else who would talk about it. I have found women (not all) are embarrassed to admit they have post-partum or have been to therapy. It has a bad rap. "If you go to therapy you must be crazy" or "She has depression.. stay away". When I was going through all of this, I asked my mom how I would survive and she said "the small moments will get you through". The smiles and the laughs, the farts and the coos, the hugs and the kisses, the hungover faces and the jabbering.

A year and a half later I am better. I still have days when I want to give up and go crawl in a hole. But I love this kid. I love being called his mom. I love that he runs to me when he gets hurt and he runs to me when he is scared. I love his sweetness and the kisses he gives me.

 I have never in my life felt more overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, sad, broken and also the polar opposite. In love. (I wasn't even this in love with Chris when we got engaged. haha) It's the absolute best and (sometimes) worst job in the world. I find myself so excited by the smallest accomplishments Owen makes. Even though it's takes a lot to get dressed in the morning, and sometimes I have to clean the throw up from my new sweater, or spend the night in the ER with him, I would never trade. I am still learning to love it and somedays I don't but I know it's what I am suppose to be doing. There is no greater calling than to be a mother. Since I am new at the whole gig I have been trying to get as much advice and inspiration that I can find. A friend mentioned this song and how much she liked it so I looked it up. I think it explains how I feel about being a mother to a T.

I had it all mapped out in front of me, 

Knew just where I wanted to go; 

But life decided to change my plans, 

And I found a mountain in the middle of my road. 

I knew there was no way over it, 

So I searched for a way around; 

Brokenhearted I started climbin', 

And at the top I found... 

Every fear, every doubt, 

All the pain I went through; 

Was the price that I paid to see this view; 

And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights; 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I never dreamed my heart would make it, 

I thought about turning around; 

But heaven has shown me miracles, 

I never would have seen from the ground. 

Now I take the rain with the sunshine, 

Cause there's one thing that I know; 

He picks up the pieces, 

Along each broken road. 

Every fear, every doubt, 

All the pain I went through; 

Was the price that I paid to see this view; 

And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.