5-12-15 Pediatric Surgeon

Yesterday was a big day. We got, as my mother in law said, "a brain full" of information. I am almost at the 30 week mark, I think. I honestly don't know exactly how far along I am.. every time we go in for an appointment I am either farther along or not as far as I think. Oh well, I'm not too upset by it.

We met with Dr. Scaife who works at Primary Children's as a Pediatric Trauma Surgeon. He was great. He told us everything we already knew but in a more detailed version. He started by saying that when Charlotte is born they will treat her as if she is the sickest baby they've ever seen. That's a normal standard. She will be immediately hooked up to a breathing tube, a feeding tube, cords and monitors and she will be sedated (in hopes to calm her down). We kind of figured this would happen but up until this point we hadn't been given a for sure answer.

A front view- my wardrobe is consisting of Chris' old fire academy shirts and yoga pants.

I tried and tired to get a picture of just how big this girl is getting with the gray shirt on but it wasn't doing my belly justice. So I changed.. just for a bathroom picture. haha But look at this!

The next two to three days will consist of just watching and waiting. Watching her lungs and her vitals to make sure they are stable enough for surgery. As soon as they are, they can take her away for surgery. He explained to us that the surgery is the easy part. As gruesome as it sounds; they cut her open and pull all of her organs that are up in chest down and put them where they should be. Stitch her up and take her back to the NICU to recover. If everything goes horribly wrong she could be hooked up to the ECMO (Extracorporeal Membrane Oxygenation) machine. It's a machine that works for the heart and lungs. While she will probably look better, the ECMO doesn't fix anything, it will just keep her stable, essentially, on life support. There are two ways the ECMO is used. We are hoping and praying she won't need to be on the ECMO at all but if needs be then there are two types. There is the VV and the VA, both refer to the blood vessels used in the treatment.

The VV ECMO is the better of "two evils". It will be used if there are problems in the lungs only and the tubes are placed in a vein. Like a shunt in the heart.

The VA ECMO is used if there are problems in the heart and the lungs, a big problem. The tubes will be placed in a vein and an artery (usually in the neck).

Being on the ECMO comes with many side effects, scary side effects.

A. Infection- with anything going into the body, that's always a possibility.
B. Bleeding- She will be given a drug to prevent blood clots in the tubing which means there is a more likely chance she can bleed.
C. Small clots or air bubbles
D. Stroke- can you believe that? My sweet newborn at risk for a stroke?

He said there is a chance of bleeding in the brain while on the ECMO which can lead to Cerebral Palsy or severe autistic behaviors.

I can't even begin to explain the feelings I have about this. She is perfect right now and everyone is telling me she could end up with a severe defect or not even make it at all. As much as I wish I could just keep her in here, I want this whole thing over with. It's sounds harsh but if she is going to die, I just want it to happen already. This is just torture. Waiting, hoping, praying when in reality, I have no control. So really, I just want it to be over with.

He gave us the "best case scenario" and the "worst case scenario".

Best case- she is born, adjusts just fine to the breathing tube, has surgery and recovers quickly. She will live a full, happy life without any problems and have a small scar on her abdomen.

Worst case- she doesn't make it.

Dr. Scaife told me to not be too polite in the hospital. He said that the decisions are ours to make. He gave me permission to be frank with the doctors and nurses about any questions I have. (As if I needed that?) :)

I really loved that though.  He wanted us to make sure we are in charge. We will decide how far treatment goes if it looks like she won't make it. Then he said "Well, we'll see ya this summer".

So that's it. I feel overwhelmed all over again. He mentioned that at 34 weeks babies organs don't have anymore room to grow so we could talk about being induced then. But at the same time, they want her as big as she can be. And.. 34 weeks is in 4 weeks..

Chris and I have talked about it and we just want this all over with. We want her to be born and in the NICU already. You could say we are getting impatient. Sometimes this feels like a nightmare that we can't wake up from. It just keeps going and going and going. Sometimes I just want to know whats going to happen. I'm tired of praying and tired of hoping. I just want to know the outcome.. now does that sound Satan's plan or what? :)

So I guess that's it for now. We meet with Dr. Gainer on Monday to talk about the birth plan and being induced! AHH! We are so close I can't even stand it! We are scared but excited.

Quarters

Today was one of those days. You know like when your kid swallows quarters? Oh you've never had that happen?

This is just for my journal purposes.. well actually maybe this might help someone out there.

I put Owen down for a nap at our usually time after lunch. Instead of sleeping he talked to himself or Optimus Prime for quite a while. I let him be because well, that meant I got "me time" (to fold laundry) and he wasn't asking to come out so I figured everything was good.

An hour later, he had gotten pretty quiet so I assumed he fell asleep. I started on the dishes and luckily heard him throwing up. I ran back to his room and started patting him on the back. You know.. helping him throw up? "It's okay buddy, just spit it out, we'll clean ya up when you're done".

He was crying and choking now. In retrospect this is all pretty funny now but please believe my palms were sweating and I was in tears. His huge eyes just looking at me in panic, begging for me to help him. At this point I was smacking him in the back trying to get whatever is lodged in his throat out. More throw up and.. two quarters. Quarters. Not dimes.. quarters. TWO. QUARTERS.

My emotions flew from terrified to livid. Why would he eat quarters?!
Here I am thinking I might lose the only living kid I have to choking on quarters? Who does that?

Even as a crawling baby he hardly ever put things in his mouth. He just wasn't one of those babies. Apparently that phase of life came at three years old.

I sat there for a second trying to understand it. Quarters. Seriously? I said "Owen I thought you were asleep? What happened?" He then, in tears, replied "Mom I just couldn't sleep because I ate quarters".

I was going to take a picture but I figured you would get the mental picture of throw up and quarters pretty easily in your own.

Needless to say we didn't get a nap in today. He took a bath and splashed all over the place, the floor, the mirror, the toilet, etc. The rug was soaking wet but not to worry, I just threw that in with his bedding. Some days are just hard. Terrifying, then funny and hard. And for some reason I feel completely emotionally exhausted. Kids are awesome. Truly. I'm ready for bed.

Mothers Day 2015

Recently on my Facebook feed a lot of my friends are graduating with their bachelors degree and even some from nursing school. As I was scrolling through I kept thinking to myself how crazy time flies and how much they have accomplished since graduating high school. Then that obviously made me question what I have accomplished in the same time. Although I know I am no where near being a "fully accomplished woman", because I believe that doesn't happen in this lifetime, I feel very accomplished.

It made me think about where I have lived, what I have seen, what I have learned and where I am now. And since our fifth anniversary is coming up in August, I guess I feel like it would be a great time to write this all down.

 One of my friends from high school graduated from nursing school and when I saw the picture of her at graduation I couldn't stand how proud of her I was/am. That is a major accomplishment. I remember her talking about nursing school in high school and how that was a goal of hers. She should be proud of herself. I am.

Then for a few seconds I thought, "Well, I'm proud of myself, I have accomplished just as much or maybe more". I am just as proud of myself as I am of her.

This is young, innocent, had no idea what was coming Sarah. (pregnant w/ Owen)

Before we got pregnant with Conor, I was debating taking classes to start on my Bachelors. I was so bored at home with a two year old who was way too advanced which caused me to feel like he didn't need me. I was so frustrated and I felt as if I wasn't accomplishing anything. Like I was just wasting time being a "mom". I felt I needed to do more. I called my mother in law and asked her about it. She told me to pray about it but that motherhood shouldn't be taken lightly. That it is important. That Owen really did need me. When I hung up I was angry. She didn't give me the answer I wanted. No one was. Why did no one understand how bored I was? How unaccomplished I felt? How I can only cook and clean for so long..

Then we lost our Conor.

Losing him helped me realize just how vital being a mother is. Just how sacred it is. I am honored to be called a mom, a stay at home mom in fact. I am proud to hold that title. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to be listed as the "home maker". I feel accomplished.

This "job" I am working is way overlooked, under payed and has the worst hours but I would never trade. I would never give this up. I am just seeing how incredible, how amazing, how beautiful this whole thing is.

 I may not have a certificate stating that I have a college degree but I feel I have earned several " life degree's". The most important being, giving life. You learn so many things after giving birth, maybe even enough to qualify for a BA

This is all very specific but I think this could work for any of you mothers out there.
In the time friends have gotten BA degree's, I have had two babies and am currently creating one. I have raised one to be almost three,(I believe that in itself is an accomplishment). I have, not willingly, given one back to my Heavenly Father. And I have stressed, prayed and cried over whether we get to keep this one. I have learned how much time, effort, love, hard work, dedication and most of all sacrifice it takes to be a mom and wife, let alone a good one.


While I have never been to a college party I have "movie night" nightly with my boys.
While I have never studied all night long for a test I have been up all night nursing a baby.
While I have never cried over saying goodbye to loved roommates I have said goodbye to my baby boy.

You get the picture? I think this list could go on and on.

My point is not that being a mom is harder than getting a degree (although..).
My point is I am doing something important. You are doing something important. Something needed. Something that should be cherished.
And I am truly grateful for this understanding now. I am in no way, shape or form saying that being a mom is easy because it is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It has caused me more devastation and heartache than I've ever known but that is because I have known true joy and love.

I am saying that I love it. That I feel like I am accomplishing something. Even when I just play trains all day.

 I love my boys and little girl. I love that have been able to experience true sorrow and true joy. I feel blessed to be able to be a mother. I am grateful Heavenly Father has trusted me with Owen. And he had trusted me enough with Conor. He knew we could handle that. He knew we can handle Charlotte and whatever comes with her. Although this last year has been just really stinking hard, I have learned a lot about motherhood and I am grateful for that.

Happy Mothers Day!

Side note-
 We meet with the Pediatric Surgeon on Tuesday at 11:30.. so basically if you have a spare prayer, please send them our way. He will tell us what the surgery is like, when they will do it, how likely she is of surviving it and so on. So it could be another heart break day or a great one.

26 wks with Charlotte & People are kind

With everything that's going on in this world, I sometimes feel hopeless about life, about people more like it. There is so much crime, so much hate, not enough kindness and no where near enough respect. I look at the news long enough to be informed about what's going on in the world and then I turn it off. It's getting too depressing and I honestly can't add any more sadness into my life right now.

Then I have my own trials that leave me feeling hopeless. This little girl of mine is consuming my world. She is all I think about, all of the time. It's rare that I get a five minute train of thought without her in it. I am constantly thinking about the "What if's?" I am constantly having an internal battle of whether I should be hopeful or not. Whether we should look forward to her arrival or not. Whether I should plan for her coming to live with us or not. It's pretty depressing. Luckily Owen keeps me busy and thinking about other things.. sometimes. Bedtime is not easy for me.

I also have an incredible support system. I have family close and friends that make me feel loved and thought about. Since announcing all of the details about sweet Charlotte, I have received numerous amounts of letters, notes, Facebook messages, packages, gifts, and lots and lots of hugs.

Going through times like this people always want to do something but they never know what that "thing" is. I get it. I wouldn't know what to do for a girl who just lost her baby, or who just found out devastating news about her current pregnancy and baby. After we lost Conor, friends tried to say anything that would make it better and nothing worked. It just takes time and to be honest, confirmation that he was okay to make it better. I still appreciate it though.

So my point, you know when you feel like the world is just an ugly place and then you see a video of a couple who struggled with infertility for years announce they are expecting? Or a husband and father coming home to surprise his kids at school after being overseas in the military for months?

That's what these last couple of months have been for me. Complete reassurances that people are good. That this trial of mine will work out in whatever way God wants but that I have support.


One morning I woke up to a box like this on my doorstep from a friend who was in Young Womens with me. We haven't talked in years and yet, she sent me this whole package. It made my day. She wrote me a beautiful letter telling me how sorry she was for me but that she hoped this little box would brighten my day. Words can't even describe how much that meant to me.
(This isn't the exact one. I forgot to take a picture of it)

Then a dear friend made this beautiful quilt for Charlotte. She put so much work into and you can tell.

And another dear friend of mine, who has also lost a sweet baby, made this quilt for Charlotte. She hand stitched flowers and Charlotte's name in a heart at the bottom. When I saw the package on my door from her I got excited. She is such a talented friend so I knew she sent me something handmade and that took a lot of time and love. As soon as I rolled it out, I just cried. Sometimes, especially being a mom, it's hard to feel appreciated and loved and she made sure I felt both. I love everything about this quilt.

Her name :)

And then a friend who admire more than anything sent this to me. It was the perfect gift. It actually fits perfectly with Conors necklace. I thought that was pretty ironic and perfect.

Every time I opened up one of these gifts, I just cried. Cried in gratitude for friends that go above and beyond. Friends that are doing everything they can to make this burden light. I can't say enough how grateful I am for support. For the calls, the texts, the letters, the words of kindness. I have so much to be grateful for and friends and family have made it easier for me to focus on that instead of everything else. 

We had our 26 week appointment yesterday. Things are looking alright. It's hard for me to say "good". Nothing about this is "good".  Well except seeing her perfect little hand.. 

She is actually measuring 27 weeks and 4 days which is surprising to everyone. We (my doctors) thought because of this defect she would be measuring small but she is proving us wrong. That means she is 2 pounds and 6 ounces as of yesterday.  That's a lot bigger than my last baby so I'm happy with that number. Anything over 8 ounces is amazing. 

Everything is measuring right on. The only thing Dr. Gainer was worried about is her liver. It has moved, close to the hernia is what it looks like. This could potentially be really bad news. She wants me to get an MRI done in about a month when Charlotte is really big. She said it looked like the liver is still below the diaphragm but it has moved and that's making her worry. If even a little piece of her liver is sticking through the hernia it can be a problem because that makes it even less room for her left lung to develop. 

Right now, her right lung looks good enough for surgery. Her left lung is not developing due to lack of room; her bowel is in the way. Dr. Gainer took measurements of her right lung and it is in the 52nd percentile, which is good. Anything above the 25th means more of a chance of survival after surgery. She would like to see it around the 75th percentile but that's not happening. So 52nd is good. And I get a break from appointments. I don't have another one until I'm 30 weeks. That's a whole month off! To be honest, I'm nervous about that. I feel like the appointments are a reassurance for me. "I'm still pregnant, she is still alive, things are good". 

At 30 weeks I will have the MRI done and we meet with the Pediatric Surgeons to talk about what will happen. I can't wait for that. I think it will be so good for us. 

This is 26 weeks but.. I look the same. Big. :)

She is so active. All day and all night. Anything and everything makes her move. She's just like me, she seriously cannot hold still. When I sneeze, I laugh, I blow my nose, I yell, I have the hiccups, anything and she has a little freak out. She is already a drama queen which is good. We need a stubborn fighter.  

Her favorite spot to sit is where my gallbladder was and it's pretty dang uncomfortable. I push her over and she just moves right back.. My body feels hammered. My sciatic nerve is killing me. I have actually fallen over a few times because of it. Luckily I was close enough to my Costco cart to have something to grab on to before I fell to the ground. It's awful. Sleeping is not happening anymore so that's fun..  This pregnancy is seriously kicking my butt, which makes it really hard to enjoy. I'm trying to soak this all in. I'd like to think that if I hadn't been pregnant now for almost a year it would be easier to enjoy. 

Can you believe that? I have been pregnant since last March. Like March 2014.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know I am not the first to go through this, in fact, I know women who do this on purpose. (Not the losing a baby part). But women who get pregnant as soon as the last one was born. That's crazy. I'm dying over here. I'm so ready to just hold a baby, my baby. 

I'm so ready to squeeze her face. Kiss her cheeks. Burp her over my shoulder. Let her sleep on my chest. Lay on our big bed. Snuggle her with my boys. I want her so bad it's killing me. I need this girl. Prayers seem to be working. And I have you all to thank for that. I can't believe how many people we have petitioning for her to live, for her to be a miracle. I hope that if God feels like we need her here, He will let her. I know we are begging. 

Anyway, that's the update for now. She is doing well. Her numbers are good, not great but good. Again, thank you friends and family for the love, support and encouraging words. I know I wouldn't be this okay with the situation without you.  

Random ramblings (Family and Charlotte)

Owen and I were looking at old pictures and videos this morning.  I really don't appreciate how fast my baby has grown up. Although he is the best ever right now, I miss him being little(r). My theory is that I wouldn't miss him being little so much if I had another baby to occupy myself with. Maybe I would, I don't know. Either way, I really hate it. 

We went shoe shopping for him a few weeks ago and I found him some shoes. I have come to love Converse. They are a bit pricey but they last forever and I can wash them over and over and they still hold up. Anyway, as we walked past my size in shoes Owen saw a pair of Converse and said "MOM!! Look, just like me! Let's match!". I felt like my heart was going to explode. I needed the shoes, I just had to "match" him. I knew this was probably going to be the first and last time he would want to match me. So I got them and we have received several comments on them. 

I guess my point to this post is about our children. Now, given that I only have a three year old, I am not claiming to know everything or really anything at all. Except that our families are forever. Our babies are meant for us. Our babies and children make us who we are. If you had known me three years ago, you would have never guessed that I liked kids at all. That was my perspective then. And this is it now, that families are forever and families are important. Sometimes families are hard to make, like really, really hard to make. 

I loved that this last General Conference seemed to be all about the family. Whenever I hear the prophet and apostles talk about families, I have a sense of pride in mine. I don't feel sad or guilty that I have not been able to keep my family here on Earth. I feel grateful that Conor is just as much a part of this family as Owen is. And that Charlotte, whatever the outcome be, is part of our family too. 

While looking a videos I found this one- This is how we told my family that we were expecting Charlotte. (Please excuse my very "full" face. I think at that point I had gained about 10 pounds after we lost Conor)

I told them I needed a family picture for my brother Jeff who is on a mission in Paraguay. But we tricked them.

Also- We had an appointment for Charlotte again on Monday. She looks good. Her liver has stayed where is should and Dr. Gainer took some measurements of her lungs and her right lung looks okay. I don't really get it because it's all in ratios' but the number needs to be above a 1.4 and it's a 2. And that is good enough to do the surgery with a good outcome. So GOOD news!

At 30 weeks we may need an MRI, she said she doesn't want to put me in the machine if she doesn't have to. But if we do that will give a better look at her lungs. Then only six short weeks later we start talking about an induction. By 30 weeks I will be measured and looked at weekly so she will know if I need to be induced. I'm 25 weeks now, so really, that's SO close. Five more weeks til 30 and then six weeks until I am okay to have her. AHH! It's getting scary now.

24 weeks with Charlotte Mae

We made it! 24 weeks!!

To be honest, I didn't think I would make it this far. I thought for sure I wouldn't make it. Am I jinxing myself?

Owen and I waiting for the first doctors appointment

The last few weeks have been pretty overwhelming. I've had at least two doctors appointments a week (when you add in the dentist, thank you Pregnancy Gingivitis). I had two today actually and everything is fine. I just had to put that out there so you don't read the whole thing thinking I'm going to drop a bomb on you.. I've never done that right? :)

I had a regular checkup with Dr. Anderson and everything looked great. Measuring right on and her heartbeat is perfect. Then Chris came with me to the Pediatric Cardiologist at Utah Valley Hospital. The ultrasound tech looked at Charlotte's heart for a good forty-five minutes then got the doctor to explain everything to us.

He said her heart looks "fine". Now, if you're me, you're thinking about the definition of "fine". Chris would tell you that when I use that word, it can mean about a billion different things. So before I could ask, the doctor saw the error in his wording and said "Wait, it's good". haha

He said that he saw most of the parts that he needs to see. So, I'm not a cardiologist but I am going to try and explain (mainly for me, so when I print this off I will remember) but there are supposed to be four pulmonary veins going into and out of the heart and he said he could only see one. He also said he wasn't worried about it, so I guess that means I shouldn't be? He said her heart is so stinking far over to the right that it's hard to get a good view of all angles.

He explained to us how worried he is about the lungs not developing and I think that should have made me cry but I didn't. Maybe it's because Dr. Gainer has already told us how worried she is about it and I've already cried so hard that I just don't have any more tears? Who knows? It didn't phase either of us.

This whole situation sucks so bad you guys. I know you know that but I just need to say it one more time. I'm so sick of hiding the girl clothes and baby stuff from myself because I don't want to get my hopes up. I just want to have a baby shower and be excited for our first girl. I want to tell everyone about her. I want her to not have medical problems throughout the rest of her life. I want her to be normal. I want this pregnancy to be normal. BUT- It's not.

I do hide the newborns outfits from myself and I stopped buying girl clothes and blankets. I don't want to have a baby shower and then have to get rid of everything if she doesn't make it. I don't want to tell anyone about her because it hurts. For some eternal reason this is my trial and this is also hers. She will have to deal with this the rest of her life, even if that means not being able to run track in high school because her lungs can't take it.

I'm really praying that something will be said in General Conference that can give me some comfort. Elder Eyring's talk in the Womens Conference was beautiful. It has given me hope.

" The burdens His faithful servants must carry in life are made lighter by His Atonement. The burden of sin can be taken away, but the trials of mortal life for good people can still be heavy burdens."

So everything looks good today, other than her heart is in her shoulder and her stomach and bowels are in her chest. :) But really, things look good. Which is good.

I just want to add how much Owen means to me. He has been my life saver. This almost three year old, from what other moms have told me, should be awful and he just isn't. He is amazing. I'm so grateful that one of my kids, so far, decided to stay here on Earth with me.

Charlotte Mae 19 weeks

Yesterday I had two doctors appointments. The first with the perinatologist. The nurse took us back and checked my blood pressure and weight. She asked me to get back on the scale after I got off. She said "Is that right?" I was clueless as to what she was talking about and then she clued me in that I have lost 16 pounds since we found out about all of the problems with Charlotte, on Friday the 20th. She was very worried that I haven't been eating. I told her I be losing the weight in tears.

 Dr. Gainer checked my cervix, because on top of everything we found out last week, preterm labor is still an issue. A big issue. But for now, it's measuring long, like it should be. so that's the least of our worries. She said nothing has changed, except she has grown, but that's normal. ha Her heart and stomach are still close to touching and her bowels are still up in her chest. If you look close you can see her rib cage on the bottom in the white, then right above that there is a dark spot is; her stomach and then right on top of that there is a darker circle with a little white line and that is her heart. That's obviously not how it is suppose to look.

Today she told us that we are in the middle to severe side on the "severity line". She said her heart is causing problems for her right lung to develop properly and her stomach and bowels are causing problems for the left side. She said sometimes the heart stays left and that leaves room for the right lung to develop so at least she will have one lung but that's not our case. Both of her lungs are being impaired which ultimately puts her more at risk. We asked if she had the results for the DNA test and she said no. So we left frustrated.

Usually I am anxious and excited to see the baby on the ultrasound and this time was so different. I almost didn't want to see her. I didn't want to see my broken baby. But I knew I would regret that so I didn't say anything. As soon as she pulled the ultrasound up I just cried. I felt completely devastated. Seeing her organs in the wrong places and knowing that she might not make it, hurt. It just hurts. I hate that she is perfect as long as she is inside of me and that could very well be the only time she is perfect and alive.

We are trying to be strong and have faith that this will all work out but it's hard. It's more than hard. It's almost not possible. Given our recent experience in losing a baby, it's, I would say difficult but that doesn't even come close to how hard it is to have the faith that we won't lose her too. I appreciate all of the kind words but I'm not strong, I can't do this, I don't want to. I have never felt so weak, overwhelmed, beat up and broken in my life. This is all out of my control and that is the absolute worst.

I feel like I did after we lost Conor, like no one understands. I see pregnant women everywhere and think, "They are so lucky", "They have no idea what I'm going through". The worst is when people ask what the gender is or when my due date is. I used to be excited, now I'm completely devastated. It hurts to talk about the due date because to me, at least right now, it's a death date. Usually people count down the days to their due date, well, Chris and I have a different story. We are counting down the days as if it's one less day we have with her.

 Chris had to go back to work so I went to my appointment with  Dr. Anderson. I got there and he got me right in. (This was the first time talking since we found out about the hernia). He came in with a few papers and said he needed to tell me something. At this point I'm thinking there is another problem. So I started crying. You could say I'm a little emotional right now. He put his hand on my shoulder and showed me what was on the paper. He said "This is the DNA result, it's negative".


Negative.  


I just covered my face with my hands, crying and relieved. Negative. At this point, I have about a billion facts, decisions, thoughts, scenarios, and doubts running through my head. So to knock this one off the list, was such a blessing. It's negative. He then said, "This doesn't mean she is free and clear, it just means one of these chromosome defects won't kill her". Before we found this out she had three big strikes against her, now she only have two really big strikes. I couldn't believe it. Even though all of my doctors told me "It's only a 20% chance she would have a chromosome defect", I couldn't help but to not believe it. They also told us that a Diaphragmatic Hernia only happens to 1 in 3,500 babies.. so..

Our Christmas trip to Cali a year ago with my boys.

On top of all of this, Chris was offered a job for Salt Lake City Fire Department, also known as his dream job. He was offered the job on Thursday the 19th and we had our doctors appointment on Friday the 20th, very good news one day and very, very bad news the next.

We took a little "Amycation" (what Owen calls it) to Mesquite just to get away after we got the news about Charlotte. We needed to get away from here. It was great. We didn't do anything fancy and that is just what we needed. Time to calm down, read all about Diaphragmatic Hernias and breathe. I was able to see some old friends and laugh, which I was really doubting I would ever do again. His sister sent me home with baby girl clothes and she called it the "Faith bag". :) It just makes me cry so I hid it in Owen's closet but we will be ready when she comes. Amy has more faith than I do, which I am grateful for.

From our Cali vacation in July (the week before we lost Conor)

We came back Sunday and Monday night we went up to Salt Lake for Chris' orientation for the Fire Academy. I just need to add that I'm so lucky I live close enough to family. They are always able to take Owen for us. I need to hire my sisters as my nanny with all of these doctor appointments I'm going to have. (So thank you, I love you and I owe you)

We got to the classroom, where we would sit for the next four hours. The chiefs and instructors introduced themselves and then all 15 of the recruits introduced themselves and their wives. The longer the class went on the more I started to panic. The Fire Academy is not for the weak and I think it's even harder for the wives and kids. It's four, 10 hour days a week for 16 weeks. Ya, they have Friday and Saturday off technically but not really, when you add in studying.

 It's a pretty rough schedule but we have done it once before so I kept telling myself that. After we went through all of the rules and policies, FOUR hours worth of rules, we left. We walked out to the car and Chris looked at me with a disappointed face. He asked me if we could do this. I knew we could but I wasn't the happiest about it. I faked it and said "Ya, we just need to look at the end goal, you'll be a SLC Firefighter!!". He smiled but I could tell he wasn't convinced.

That night as we drove home we talked about all of the possibilities that could happen, all the way from the academy to Charlotte. We talked about toughing it through the academy and I started to feel uneasy about it. It isn't just that he would be gone all of the time, if I happened to go into labor he wouldn't be able to come get me. He would be stuck at academy. Going into labor is still a very real scenario right now, now that I am 19 weeks this week. At one point during orientation, they took the guys and gave them a tour around the training facility and kept us wives for question and answers. I explained our situation and asked the Chief about emergency's during the academy. I asked if I were to go into labor how long Chris would have with me. He said a day at most. If Chris stayed with me longer than that he would fall behind and fail out. They move so fast and cover so much in such a short amount of time that he wouldn't be able to catch up.

I told Chris about that and he asked me if we should even do it. I automatically said "No, you are doing this!". He has worked way to hard to let this go. Then he talked about Charlotte and even if things go well with her how she will need the surgery and that would leave me alone. That would leave me in the U of U hospital recovering alone while my sweet baby is being operated on at Primary Children's. And that's if she makes it that far. If she doesn't and I go into labor before she is ready that means I am without a car, waiting for someone in my family to come get me. Another Conor situation, delivering, a D&C, and funeral planning, alone.

I think at that point we both felt our answer but we didn't like it. This job is his dream job and he earned it. He deserves this. This would make him so incredibly happy. And I have always been more than willing to do what he needs me to do to advance in his career. We sat quietly in the car until he said "Family comes first".

Paddle boarding down the Jordan river

I knew then, I don't deserve this man. He is incredible. I have never felt a stronger connection between us until this whole thing blew up in our faces. I was proud that we made it through Conor, but this, this is hard. Actually, hard doesn't even adequately describe this. He has my back. He is there for me, even when that means giving up a dream. I am so proud. We are a team and that is more important than any job.

If Charlotte didn't have these problems we wouldn't even be thinking about giving it up. But we can't think like that, because she does.

We decided we would pray and fast about it for the next few days, meaning yesterday and today. Chris had to say all of our prayers together. I can't get through a prayer without crying and feeling like I need to beg for my baby to make it. I can't focus on the job, I just constantly worry about Charlotte. I worry about all of the "if's". I need her. I can't give up two babies. I need this to work out, in my favor. I think I may have hit the "bargaining" stage in my grief for her. I feel like I am trying to make deals with Him,. Just pleading for Him to give me this one and I won't ask for any more.

We haven't been sleeping lately. I toss and turn all night and so does he. I have never felt this amount of weight on my shoulders. They actually hurt.  This is going to sound bad but in church we are told when going through trials to "Give it to God". Right now, I can't. I don't know if I trust Him. Don't worry, I am not falling away from the church. God and I talk on a pretty regular basis. It's just really impossible to trust Him right now. I don't know the plan and I can't see into the future so faith and trust are things I struggle with right now.

Chris has more faith than I do. He came to me yesterday and said that he feels like he needs to let go of the job. It would add so much more stress on our broken little family. He is so disappointed but the timing isn't right. Every time we pray about it we feel confused and stressed. So he talked to his boss at the County Fire Marshall job and asked if he could "take back" his resignation. as of yesterday his boss didn't know about Charlotte at all. So he told him about that and what we have been feeling. His boss said of course and that he would do whatever he needed to to help us.

{And don't worry, he said I could post all of this.}

So we're feeling sad. So disappointed. But we know what we are suppose to do, as far as the job.

He called his captain at SLC and told him we just can't make it work right now. He told him to call HR and tell them. I just got off the phone with him and he said HR will take him off the list and..

Add him to the next one!!!!

We never thought that would happen. That means he is number one for the next recruit class! We thought we would be applying for other places because Salt Lake would turn him down and send him away. But look, they want him. They want him enough to keep him on for the next academy. He could be working for them by the end of the year. Hopefully by the time that one starts Charlotte is doing well.

So that's where we are right now. Life is hard. I don't know what we are suppose to be learning from all of this but I am tired of learning. I need a break. It's only been seven months since we lost baby Conor and I learned a lot from that. So prayers are still welcome. And thank you.